Please give me some advise and/or suggestions, no insults or crap – I provide that to myself involuntary and it’s part of my problem!

I’ve been abusing substances, and particularly alcohol, since my early teens (now ‘middle aged’). Approximately 4-5 months ago, I finally had the insight that it has to change. I participated in a 2-months, intensive out-patient program, mainly based on cognitive and behavior modification, but it also had the A.A. concepts incorporated into it.

As much as I’m grateful for some (and very significant) help I received from A.A.’s concept, as an atheist, it is not possible for me to rationally approach several major of their steps.

I keep getting the message that ‘recovery’ is not possible without the ‘higher power’ concept and failure or ‘relapse’ is guaranteed if you don’t stick to all the rules. I talked to my brother who’s been abusing alcohol and other substances similar to me and he stated that he is ‘sober’ for the past 7-8 years. But he doesn’t practice complete abstinence and stops drinking after a few glasses, before loosing control. It is my understanding that apart from willpower, it will take a lot more to get a male’s body (with a higher muscle, and lower fat content) intoxicated than a female, so he stops before he even feels “high”. This is virtually impossible for me…I know from prior attempts to quit, and have “found myself relapsing” twice on prescription meds (not alcohol or illicit stuff) so far. At the same time I don’t want to be so harsh on myself and would like to put more emphasis on the positive than the negative (which is really my problem…)

There are no rational/atheist addictions/alcoholics groups around here. I’m attending ‘mandatory’ aftercare meetings and part of it involves that we attend A.A. meetings. I’m so discouraged and often times depressed when I do these meetings, because I don’t see how that can work for me (if I – for my own reasons – choose not to believe in any deities which I’m firmly convinced are too human and people invented them in the first place…).

In any case, a whole lot of crap was piling up and “suddenly” I found myself really depressed again despite being on heavy antidepressants. According to the A.A. concept depression is supposed to be self-pity(?) But I don’t feel pitiful, I’d rather be dead than depressed. However much they have excellent points and similarities, many of the things A.A. is claiming, I don’t see them apply to me or the majority of other females I know.

I’m getting very contradicting messages, I find the A.A. concept and many programs harsh. I’m beating myself up sufficiently already that my self-esteem can sink into below zeros, loosing all hope and wanting to abuse substances to buy myself some time instead of committing suicide (and that’s what’s at the core of ‘addiction’ anyway in my opinion). I’m not sure anymore what to do and wonder how it is going to be permanently better without feeling the way I repeatedly do and each time gets worse (despite med’s and all). Any suggestions on readings, thinking adjustments etc. that does NOT involve ‘higher power’ etc?