I have 2 children, 15 and 9, from my first husband and my current husband has one son, 10, from his ex wife. Our problems are quite extensive and now becoming very very worrisome. I will use *Dean* for my step sons name. Dean’s mother has untreated bipolar disorder with a long history of alcoholism and drug use(pot, cocaine, illegal prescriptions) During the divorce, she has lost ALL rights to the child. The court has given a long list of requirements for her to have any chance to legal or physical rights or a scheduled visitation. (Of course, she did not meet any of the requirements) She has a longstanding history of verbal, emotional and physical abuse towards Dean and others. She has attempted suicide several times, 3 times in front of Dean and tries to tell him that it is his fault. The court has left custody and visitation 100% at my husbands discrection for very obvious reasons. Problem 1 for me is my husband continues to allow DAILY phone contact dispite her repeated verbal abuse. I have stressed over and over my concerns because of the impact it has on him and that it is worsening his overwhelming amount of struggles. My husbands answer over and over is that he feels bad because his son whines that he misses his mother. I have over and over explained that it is natural to miss her but the damage she CHOOSES to cause is far worse in the long run than the steady emotional support we can offer while keeping her away from him. Couple examples of the overwhelming amount of issues he has are, worsening physical violence to other children, at school, at home, in the community. Despite the meetings with the teachers, my husband continues to blame it on other children. He claims that the teachers are either lying or the other children instigated it so it’s their fault not Dean’s. I over and over have explained that everyone is in control of their own actions. If Dean becomes frustrated, regardless of the situation, he needs to use his words or walk away. Hitting is not acceptable, EVER!! My husbands response……..He’s just a boy, he’s frustrated, he will learn as he gets older, he doesn’t understand. Another chronic problem is manipulation. Dean is 21/2 grade levels behind in school. We enrolled him in Sylvan(45 minutes away) Dean said after 2 visits “I don’t like going there” My husband stopped the program. I was soooo angry. I tried to explain that being so far behind in school is adding to the frustrations Dean has and it will continue to get worse. About 3 weeks ago, Dean asked for a cell phone, I said no. You are 10, you are safe with adults at school and after school you are at home safe with me. There is no need for a phone when you are with adults all the time. His father went behind my back, bought him one and said to me, “I set rules with the phone” I told him NO texting to anyone and never to call his mother or receive calls from her. 3 nights ago, we had a knock at the door. It was the police. He had been regularly calling and texting his mother and telling her lies that we were abusing him, neglecting him and that we don’t want him. Of course a drunk bipolar, called the cops, added a few more lies and the police came to check on his well being. I immediately took the phone and threw it in the trash. We all sat down to discuss the punishment for not listening to the ‘rules’ of having the phone and the consequence of the lies to his mother. He began to lie saying someone else must have used his phone. Then he started crying. My husband refuses to give a punishment because Dean is upset. He has also destroyed 4 bicycles in the past 3 months because it’s not the $2,200.00 one that he wants. I advised after the first one not to buy anymore bike. Of course my husbands excuse it that Dean is the only kid around without a bike and that’s not fair or mentally healthy for him to be left out. There is much much more of his behavior but that is a quick summary. I am at the point of a divorce because I am not only trying to maintain the safety and sanity for my own 2 boys but trying to help my step son with his long list of special needs and trying to help my husband understand that he needs to goto counseling to understand how to find a starting point to deal with all these issues, stop being in denial and address it himself or seek outside help for Dean. I have expressed over and over that these problems will get worse as the years go on and I am exhausted and out of ideas and options for helping. Does anyone have any ideas, advice, help? If you would like more info, I am happy to give it. Thank you in advance for reading and helping.
Very Frustrated
I appreciate the responses. I was trying to sum up 7 years of a growing problem in one posting and it is far more extensive than I realized when I started. As for my husband and I arguing, we only do over this situation. I do now have lots of hostility but I didn’t for a very long time. I am the primary caregiver for all the children. I am the one that does the parent teacher conferences, sports, sick days, holiday crafty events. I have always placed the 3 children as equal but the problem has grown so large I have found myself distanced lately. I have offered every support I can come up with, read numerous books, attempted counseling several times and actively have a behavior chart. I have a reward program for all 3 children and Dean is exempt from the reward program because of his father. I rented an apartment 3 weeks ago and now have seperate spaces when the phyiscal violence gets too bad. He needs a facility at this point. I am most likely heading to divorce.