I have a history of drug abuse and now I have to be sober (not really my choice. Either be sober or get locked up). I got out of a 60 day inpatient rehab on New Year’s Eve. I was court ordered there and now I’m on probation and I have to go to outpatient 3 times per week. I usually get drug tested twice per week (once by my DJO and once by my outpatient place). About a week after I got out, I smoked weed because I don’t really have a problem with smoking weed too often. Sorry people but it’s not addictive. I don’t care what you say, the high you get from weed is NOTHING. And if you’re thinking, well you’re addicted to weed because you smoked even though it could get you locked up, you’re wrong. I only smoked because I know I can do just fine with smoking weed once a week and I can pass the drug test because it’s just a 5-panel and for some reason I can pass a 5-panel within a day or two after smoking. Anyway, weed did cause a problem. Not the weed itself but being high on weed reminded me how great being high on meth, coke, and heroin is. So, I recently started back on meth because I’m prescribed adderall and I know that even if I’m unlucky enough to somehow fail a 5-panel I can blame it on the adderall and it won’t be a big deal. Unfortunately, my treatment team eventually found out I was getting high because I don’t know when to shut up about certain things and there are snitches everywhere. So, my treatment team told my DJO and now I’m on very thin ice with her. She said if I violate probation one more time, I’m going to DYS(Division of Youth Services) for 6-9 months. And worse yet, because they know that I can pass my ua’s(urine analysis), they started sending my piss to the lab, which can detect if I get high. It takes like 2 weeks to pass a lab test after smoking weed and like 3 days to pass a lab test after doing meth. Now, I could just do meth on weekends or something. Or just do them when I know I don’t have a ua for at least 3 days but the tests are random. Oh, I forgot to mention that the lab tests can tell the difference between adderall and meth in my system. So, now I have to be sober. But I can’t forget how great being high feels and every time I think about it, I get the worst cravings and I want to like leap out of my skin because when you think about being high, being sober just sucks. Not just the mental part, but even physically, it feels like when you have tightness in an area of your body, so you have to stretch it out to make it feel more comfortable. And that’s everywhere and you can’t get rid of it. I don’t feel like this unless I’m thinking about getting high. But I can’t stop thinking about it. I don’t even need a trigger, I will just suddenly feel this chill going down my spine and then I think about it and I just want to slam my head against the wall (which I sometimes do when it’s bad enough). How can I just forget how great it feels like to not be sober?