It’s been 10 years since my father abandoned me. I just recently got back in-touch because I was hoping to get a perspective on things from someone who went through similar stuff and who might have the perspective of hindsight.
Problem is that he is still completely unapologetic about his behavior, his alcoholism, his sending me away to military school for no reason and tearing me away from all of the friends I had when I was a kid. He’s basically a bastard and I want a freakin’ apology.
He’s been a petty and not-so-petty con man his entire life. Spent time in prison for armed robbery in his 20s, has many ex-wifes, illegitimate kids I’ve never met, has been homeless and now is in Mexico living off of social security benefits.
Why can’t I seem to put this behind me? All conversations with him are circular. One moment he’ll tell me he loves me and in another will say that I’m the most selfish person he has ever known and that he no longer wants to talk to me. My family has a history of mental illness, so that may explain it – he may be unable to actually relate normally, in which case, again – how do I put this behind me? Why can’t his display of mental illness be enough to give me closure?
I’m successful, live in NYC, but am sorta lonely with very few friends. I know he’s spent his life largely friendless and I really wish I could get his perspective on how he’d do things differently if he had the chance to do so.
#1 by JorG on July 13, 2010 - 3:28 pm
ask him to apologize or stop calling you
#2 by q on July 13, 2010 - 3:37 pm
You are trying to change someone instead of yourself.
Stop focusing on him, and his issues, and focus on your life. You are spending too much time mentally on the issue, and that is making it matter more for you.
No one can be what you want them to be, even family. They are who they are, and you need to accept that and move on to other topics.
#3 by Mimi B on July 13, 2010 - 4:21 pm
Get out of New York.
That is your problem.
It is a depressing hell-hole.
#4 by i am what i yam. on July 13, 2010 - 4:59 pm
Umm… ok he’s not going to apologize, because he has too much “pride”… He doesn’t CARE.. Just deal with him and focus on YOUR life.
#5 by Way Out There on July 13, 2010 - 5:17 pm
I can understand that you can’t move away from the whole situation.. I mean, he’s your father, one of the most important figures in a person’s life. And it’s because of him that your life, your childhood was the way it was. I heard once that overcoming from the feeling of not being loved by one of your parents is one of the hardest things to do, from a psychological perspective. SO taking that on account and the fact that you said you feel a bit lonely, it’s natural that you keep coming to your father and want to get some closure.
#6 by John on July 13, 2010 - 6:11 pm
Ill start my saying that I am not American I am British, but hey guys are guys the world over right. I understand your predicament, a father is supposed to be a role model somebody you can look up to, and teach you how to be man. Unfortunately not all guys are like that, my father for example, is a degenerate he is a compulsive gambler a semi alcoholic who hits women and is not a good person. Coincidentally I once went without seeing for about ten years too.
It was painful to accept that although he cared for me in his own way, he was not a good person who if he had stuck around, would have had a negative influence on me, when I was younger and more impressionable. You can’t force people to change how they are, ultimately, it is the individual who decides what kind of person they will be and how they will live there life. How I dealt with this was by accepting that. Just because a man has a father who is the way he is, does not mean that you have to be the same.
If I spend too much time in my dads company he has a disruptive negative influence on my life. I try to influence him for the better when I do see him however I do not see him too often as it leaves me feeling upset and bitter. Consequently I now have a relationship with him based on keeping him at arms length.
#7 by Horse Up on July 13, 2010 - 6:13 pm
How he would do things different is not important. He wouldn’t anyway. What is important is that you learn from it. He is a grown man and that is how he chooses to live his life. He will never change. Sometimes I dont think we can put it behind. For some it comes easy for others it doesn’t. Some people are just selfish and self-centered. Ive known people beat themselves up through out life trying to figure out why and how their parent(s) could be that way and still ended up with no answer. As for myself. I believe some people were never meant to be parents. I believe they reach a age where they are old enough to know that surely that is not how to treat a child or be a parent but continue to do so. Why? Because they do not care. That’s why. It sucks I know, but it happens to a lot of innocent people. Dont set yourself up for failure. You shouldn’t have to demand a apology, that should come from his heart because he wants to. It’s like trying to make a person love you. You can’t. Im sure he loves you in his own sick way. The best thing you can do for you is to learn from this and not repeat history. Your life is important. And good luck. Im sure many people love you. Dont be heart broken.In the end he will be the loser of all. Besides God Loves you and Darlin that’s all you need.
#8 by Baa Baa on July 13, 2010 - 6:47 pm
There is a part of you that is still that little boy wanting a father’s approval and love. You crave a good loving relationship with a father that cares about you. You want that family relationship. The problem is that your father is not those things and never will be. He is toxic to your emotional and mental health.
You need to build your own relationships and create your own family whether it be for love or just good friendships so that you don’t focus so much on your biological father. You need to distance yourself from him as much as possible. You say he sometimes tells you that he no longer wants to talk with you. Make that permanent and you will be a happier person for it. Seek new relationships and create good friendships with people you like.