This is the situation?
There are several family members who have died from alcoholism. 2 died many years ago the exact same way- their esophagus burst and bled out because their liver had failed from heavy drinking (when the liver fails it can put pressure on the esophagus, causing it to burst).
Despite this, several family members continued to drink. Then 2 years ago another one died from liver failure from drinking.
Now another one is experiencing the same esophageal bleeds that 2 other members died from. He has two children- one who is married with three kids and is in her 30′s. His son is in his mid 20′s and has been attending college since 2005.
We have been asked to help the son (who is a cousin) with paying for college because his Dad (the one who is now experiencing esophageal bleeding from heavy drinking) could not pay.
His Dad is such a bad alcoholic that he has been on disability for years. He has been in prison for drugs years ago. Despite being on disability, he has been given a place to live by his sister (he pays rent with his disability money). He has never been forced to go to rehab and has spent his disability money on alcohol for years.
His sister claims that you cannot make a person quit drinking and that they have tried to make him stop. Yet she has given him a place to live and ignored the fact that he spent his disability money on alcohol.
Now we are being told that his son, who is in his mid 20′s and still in college needs money to help pay for school. Apparently his Dad gave him some of his disability money (but spent a good portion of the rest of it on alcohol), but now that he has got astronomical medical bills as a result of his drinking, he cannot give his son any money for school.
It is not clear whether the son who is in college drinks, but I think he does.
Is it our responsibility as his cousins to send money to help pay for his schooling? We have a 4 year old and a 6 month old. The 6 month old has health problems that are not covered fully by insurance. We have some financial strains ourself but are not expecting other family members to help us out financially.
What do you think?
Thank you for all of your answers- the family member who ‘hints’ at the need for $$$ to ‘clean up the mess’ of this irresponsible alcoholic is a narcissitic manipulator. She wants the glory of ‘saving’ him, but puts him as well as other family members in extreme codependency on her. She tells everyone she is ‘helping’ them but the only ‘help’ she is providing is learned helplessness with extreme dependence on her. This is more disturbing than the ‘hinting’ (she is never direct and is emotionally punishing if you don’t do things her way) for money…it is SICK.
#1 by JayJaytheJetPlane on July 11, 2010 - 7:36 pm
this is a very personal matter, you have to do what you feel is right. Just remember that alcoholism is a disease and can be genetically inherited. Put yourself in your cousins shoes,would hope that your family would be willing to sacrifice even the smallest amount to help out your child? You also have to think about your baby though, if you lend too much money that your own child is effected then that is bad as well. a healthy baby is more important than a college degree.
#2 by MAVERICK on July 11, 2010 - 8:35 pm
you can send money if you wish after talking to the person ,BUT more in portent is the addiction in the family get them to read ABOUT ADDICTION , ON WEB and get them to go to meetings of ALCOHOLIC ANONYMOUS OR N A, ALCOHOLIC IS THE BIGGEST KILLER IN THE DRUG WORLD ps ,i would not help with money until i new all,
#3 by Helen W. on July 11, 2010 - 9:26 pm
This is not about alcoholism. This is a financial issue.
And it isn’t about the father, it is about the son. Talk to the son directly and find out where he is with his schooling. Why hasn’t he graduated? What are his plans? What are his grades? (Ask to see a transcript.) What other sources of funding has he sought–has he applied for scholarships? Federally guaranteed loans or grants? IF it looks as though he is on the right track, is a decent risk, genuinely has no alternate source of money, AND you can spare the money without causing yourself a great hardship, then LOAN him the money. Write up a promissory note (and have him sign it) in which he agrees to pay you over time (say 5-10 years) with interest (at least 5%) and expect to be paid back as soon as he is working. Monthly installments due on the 15th, no exceptions, or you’ll call the loan.
If your investigation indicates that he is not taking school seriously, doesn’t know what he wants to do, is drinking too much, can find other sources of funds, or is likely to give the money to his father, then do not make the loan.
Do not just give him the money.
#4 by Baa Baa on July 11, 2010 - 9:52 pm
Listen to what you lawyer told you. Personally speaking, I would not take on this added financial burden for a cousin unless I was really well off. My own children and their college comes first. Can you imagine what the cost of college will be when your own children will need it. Don’t just give your money away foolishly or because some relative is really putting a guilt trip on you or insisting you do it. Don’t be a wimp and let the family walk all over you or tell you what to do. And don’t let sympathy influence your decision either. This is a financial matter and you must plan for your own future and the future of your own children. If you feel you must do it, then take the advice of the lawyer and make sure the cousin signs papers that he will pay back the loan in a certain amount of time.