My husband’s alcoholism has gone from bad to worse, causing constant fighting and arguing. He told me to file for divorce, which was not what I really wanted.
We are still in the same house. It is in my name alone, bought before the marriage, and he signed a quit claim leaving it as my sole and separate property when I refinanced.
I have been responsible for the mortgage payment and most bills. I have used 100% of my net pay on taking care of the bills (over $5000 a month). He would put in about $300 a week for groceries, outings, and gas, when he felt like it.
I am being nice by not getting a restraining order. He is very abusive, and there are about 10 incident reports with the sheriff’s dept. I don’t want to force him out, evict him, or anything like that. But my daughter and I can’t even live in peace because he comes to her room to harrass me every single evening (I stay in her room since we only have 2 bedrooms)
Here are the main financial details. I refinanced when prices were high. The value has dropped about 150K from 360K to 210K, and I owe 219K, so there’s no equity in the house whatsoever. There are also loans, credit cards, and car payments. The credit cards are all in my name because of his bad credit, but he has used them and accrued thousands in debt, which he has never tried to pay. The debt is about 110K. I am currently able to pay all of the bills, and with some adjustments, probably do so even without any of his income, since he gave me so little.
To me it seems like if he went after the house (my sole and separate property), we would both owe about 110K to pay off the mortgage and another 50K to pay the bills.
To me it just seems like leaving my house to me and letting me assume all the debts makes more sense. He can easily live off his income in an apartment, and have money left over. But he says he will get alimony because he is used to vacations, Lakers games, and other things.
He says his parents are hiring a lawyer because he is getting half the house (that has no equity), alimony because he is used to a certain lifestyle (even though 2 years of our 6 year marriage were spent in prison), and he is going to make sure that my daughter and I have no where to go.
What could a lawyer possibly do to benefit him in this situation? There is no equity and no money, but there is over 100k in debt. He is making so many threats that I feel like I will be on the streets.
Why would a lawyer want a case like this?
If you have any experience with this or know anything about this from a legal standpoint, please please share your infomation with me. I will greatly appreciate it.
#1 by sillyredhead on July 11, 2010 - 8:30 am
It’s your house, tell him to get the hell out. If you leave he can take it. since he has a drinking problem, have him committed cause he’s not in his right mind and as his wife you can do that. don’t let him get the best of you.
#2 by Mr. Stiggo on July 11, 2010 - 8:49 am
Before you file, you need to get a lawyer. He may want you to file because in your state that may give him an advantage. In any case, if the divorce is not going to be a friendly one, it is vital to have a lawyer defending your rights. I can’t really say what he would gain by having a lawyer, but you stand to lose a lot by not having one.
#3 by Smalls on July 11, 2010 - 9:46 am
If I were you I would call the police and have him evicted from the house. Then I would file a order of protection.
Next I would consult a lawyer to handle the divorce.
I don’t know much about law, but being he is abusive and it is documented, I doubt he will get anything. Plus, you are woman and have a child. That counts in the court system.
Good luck and for the love of God get away from that man!
#4 by Noccie on July 11, 2010 - 9:50 am
Lawyers are there to be your advocate and guide through the legal system even if you’re the “bad guy”. You better be sure you have a good one to make sure things go smoothly for you and your daughter. I’m sure I missed it in there somewhere – but why are you still living together?? Today – get a lawyer. Tomorrow put him out and get a restraining order.
#5 by Mike R on July 11, 2010 - 10:12 am
Quit being nice, nice guys finish last. You should have done it all at once because you’re at a disadvantage. If your dad is living and close or you have a brother or someone to watch out for you I’d ask for help.
My earliest memory is of my moms brother uncle Franky beating the s*it out of my abusive father. He learned judo in the war and it was quite impressive. I admire Franky to this day but what a sucky thing to have as your first memory.
#6 by bettie boop on July 11, 2010 - 10:50 am
sad story. maybe you can one day leave a letter saying i left you and cut all the credit card things and go live with your daughter. and get a bike and not a car. save the world go green. and if you see him in a parking lot kick his ass or spray some of those pepper spray or something on to him. oh yeah they are called mace. and dont be afraid that you will have to live on the streets for 1 or 2 weeks. at first. it is really hard. and divorce him too. for about 2 months you left the house. because that need alot of money too. oh and work harder than ever before ( when you are on the streets) because you are going to need a heck a lot of money to do all those things. or seduce a rich man. like the playboy mansion guy
#7 by my avatar is hot but I'm not on July 11, 2010 - 11:09 am
Get a lawyer, and they will set you straight as far as the divorce split goes in your state.
And you’re doing an awful lot of “he said” in here. Who cares what an abusive alcoholic says? Kick him out, get a restraining order, and get your ducks in a row. File for divorce asap and get the loser gone. He can go back to mom and dad and be their problem.
You’re giving him WAAAAYYYY too much say so in how you spend your precious time on this earth, knock it off, grow a spine for your sake and your daughter’s sake and get rid of this asswipe for good.
#8 by Deece 1 on July 11, 2010 - 11:24 am
I am so sorry to hear about your situation. I had both an alcoholic mother and father and I know how much pain, anxiety, and helplessness that you must feel.
If the threats are really bothering you get a protection order,at least that way it will be documented in the courts and you and your daughter will be more comfortable and safe
If you get custody of your daughter there will be no alimony payments to him. I can assure you that.
before I get a lawyer I would go to a financial adviser and really figure out your money situation.
why not try a separation it will only confirm what both your real intentions may be ..good or bad.
sometimes letting go can be the best thing for everyone involved .
I have a feeling the money situation will work out to your benefit ,but talk to a financial advisor they really do not cost very much and it will put things in perspective for you. Best of luck for you and yours.
#9 by Brianna on July 11, 2010 - 12:18 pm
When i first read this i thought that you were my ex-husbands newer wife for the past 6 years. Seriously. Then i read it’s a two bedroom home and knew you weren’t her.
One, he signed a quit claim on your home. He can’t go after it. He can file for alimony all he wants, doesn’t mean a judge will give that to him. You need to get an attorney and quickly. You need to get a restraining order and get him out of the house. Legally getting him out of the house is important! He’ll have much less claim to the home if he is not lving in it.
His threats are to get you to relent and stay in the marriage. That much is obvious. My question to you is why stay in that kind of marriage? You can do so much better! Your self worth has been diminished due to this creep, it’s time you take it back and get this man out of your life.
I hope you kept copies of every bill. I hope you can highlight every single item he has caused debt on. Don’t talk back to this man. When he starts in that he’ll get so much, just ignore him. Stop believing him. Stop listening. Get him OUT of YOUR house now. Stop the abuse. Your daughter is being abused by having to hear any of this. Help her, get him out. Don’t tell him you’ll fight this, don’t tell him you’ll not let him get a thing. Don’t say another word. Silence is the best defense a lawyer has! Your words can and will be used against you in a court of law! Remember that. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of law. if you were to deny your words, your daughter could be forced to testify, you don’ t want that for her either.
Now, if you don’t have the bills, try to get copies of them. Hopefully you have kept the last 3 years worth of your bank statements? Proving what you have paid. Let him try to prove what he’s paid. Let him try to prove what is your debt. If it’s less than he’s run up, he’ll be hard pressed to get a judge to give him a penny. He has no abilitly to fight for the house since he signed the quit claim. Good job on that one! Make sure you use it from here on out!
If you two had been married for 20 years, he might stand a chance at alimony. But not after only being in the home for 4 of 6 years. Doesn’t matter if he got used to the life style that he refused to contribute too. Let him blow his money on attorneys that will get him no where. Fight back and make him responsible for half of the credit card debt!!!!
Get an attorney right now. Don’t just get an attorney either. Look for a very good divorce attorney. Might cost you a bit now, but will save you a ton in the end!
Go file for a restraining order tomorrow, don’t mess around with that anymore. Get this violent, verbally abusive man out of your home today! Don’t allow your daughter to have to live with this for one moment. She’ll believe this is how marriage is and get a guy like this for herself if you don’t prove to her that this is unacceptable! But, like i said.. there’s a secondary reason if you still hestitate. Again, much harder to lay stake to a home if you are not living in it. He’ll have no ability to fight for the home if he isn’t able to live in it through the restraining order.
Good luck.
#10 by Phil R on July 11, 2010 - 12:23 pm
You need to immediately consult a family law attorney licensed in your state. Each state has different rules and norms regarding property settlement, alimony, etc.
You’re not helping yourself any by being nice. You need to stop being nice and start protecting yourself and your daughter. I also see all sorts of signs of co-dependency. Make sure you tell your lawyer all this information, so that he/she can also suggest some counseling to help you get through those issues.
Your husband is a control freak. Its not all that unusual, and control freaks, when the pressure is on, often really lose it. Go find a good family law attorney today! For a referral, call your local or state bar association.
#11 by lonhsally on July 11, 2010 - 12:29 pm
Wow what a problem you have. I say that you file a restraining order just to protect you and your child. I think your first mistake was getting everything in you name. Now he can spend the money because he knows that you will pay for it. take a stand the fight for you rights. File for divorce and a restraining order. Since he is violence towards you protect yourself. Since the house is soling in you name than he can’t go after that. Get lawyer! I went through a legal situation too. I owned a house with my fiance and we are renting the back bedroom to this lady that pays month to month and she owes us for back rent and refuses to pay and we gave her a 30 days notice and she went back and filed a restraining order on us saying that we are harassing her through phones calls and emails. We never did that. this is our house and she filed the restraining order and the commissioner granted her the restraining order. She only did that so she can mess with us but we can’t mess with her. The legal systems SUCKS. People are so unbelievable. When you let your guard down this what will happen. Get a lawyer and they will advise you of your rights and they should tell you what to do.