Ok, this is going to sound strange for some maybe, maybe not for others. It is kind of long but worth reading and would be very appreciated, I will def. return the favor if you leave a link to one of your questions.
I am now 20 years old, yeah a little too old for this freshmen in highschool question huh. But the thing is I have always had a problem making friends and developing good and healthy relationships.
My parents are divorced and I come from a tragically broken home, dont want to get into it, but you wouldn’t know it just by looking at me anyways. I dress mainstream, take great care of myself and am very athletic and spiritually healthy as well. I do volunteer work where I have met some decent ppl but no friends I would go have a drink with if you know what I mean. I go to community college only because I graduated a year late and had a lot of trouble, I’ll start in 9th grade when my mom kicked me out and I had to move to a pretty bad neighborhood in the outskirts of Baltimore MD. (My mom kicked me out because she was having financial trouble and never had enough time to raise me properly reguardless, I knew my guidance counselors better than her, at least it seemed that way many times.)
I started another new school knowing only 1 person from my neighborhood who promised to look after me but sadly forgot his promise after about the first 2 days. This was about the 6th new school I have been to in my adolescence by the way. Had a dfiificult time making friends, got bullied a lot, got in a lot of fights, got arrested, suspended, you name it it happened. By 11th grade we had moved again and I was in about my 9th new school cause I was always getting kicked out or moved around. Not because I was a troublemaker, but because ppl always started stuff with me and many times I was forced to defend myself, yet the school staff always took the side of the kids they knew, plus I had a wrapsheet by this time and not even my dad believed me anymore.
Anyways I got sent to boot camp, I did 3 months in a rehab and another 8 in a halfway house even though I wasn’t an addict it was court ordered. I did a month in county detention, I also did a wilderness program for 4 months which was really wierd, yet strangely I miss the Utah dessert these days, very serene out there and non-hectic, I could use a weeks relaxation. But all this aint do nothing for me except toughen me up more, harden me, and actually give me some stress issues which led to a heart condition for about 2 years which i am still getting over. Way too young for all this shit, I am 20 going on 75. Way too streetwise, way too wise in general, way too god damn spent for my young age. I dont even have the want to go out and party or do things ppl my age do, those type of frivilous things just annoy me, yet I used to party hard and have a good time. The only thing I want to do is play hockey, which I am really friggin good at, but the ppl my age who play think Im a creep or a criminal or something because of how I am, they have’nt seen a fraction of the shit Ive seen and have practically no baggage on their shoulders when I got the world on mine and Im getting tired out from carrying it.
I’ve seen at least 20 therapists, none have helped. I’ve been evaluated, i tried depression meds for a bit even though I dont think Im depressed, needless to say I transitioned off them cause they made me even more numb than i already was. I have a younger brother who dislikes me cause I’m no fun. I only have one-night flings, no relationships cause girls are attracted to me cause I look good but after we do the do there is nothing there because they just want to go out and have fun when Im like more worried about how Im going to pay my bills etc etc. and that shit scares them cause they still with mommy and daddy or have a close knit group of girlfriends at their disposal. Me I got me, myself, and I and thats it. Finito, nada, nobody else except a dad who throws me a few bones when I need it if he can spare it. The only companions I can ever make are ppl usually more messed up than me and just drag me down and create more turmoil which I honestly cannot deal with anymore, I’m hangin by the skin of my teeth and I spend so much energy trying to hide it, it’s so pathetically sorry.
In my college classes ppl seem scared of me, on the rink ppl rarely even acknowledge me or pass me the puck and in the locker room they just sit with their heads down when I come in, I feel like I drag everybody down emotionally just by existing and like I’m not welcome pretty much anywhere other than a rehab facility or a therapist’s office or a church maybe, but even ppl there give me looks of disgust and/or pitty. My dad just says Im paranoid and I’ll be fine, which is good to hear, problem is thats all he ever says and nothing changes anywhere in my life, so I have lost faith in his advice pretty much. Ahh what else can I say, help me out if you can. i
Thankyou everyone for your input, I really appreciate it so much. To answer some of the questions. If I had to judge myself I would say at times I do seem like a loner because I usually was one in high school and now I’m trying to change that. I need to start re-programming this inner critic I have becasue he is very strong and has a way of being able to criticize everything and everyone, but mostly just me. I wish it would just dissapear, but I should know by now, nothing that good comes easy. I need to open up, try and work on taking these barriers down that have built up over time. I need to free myself, thanks for your help, it’s now up to me to change. Even though I have never had a therapist I neccessarily liked, I think I might need to start seeing one, and just try to establish a productive relationship. Thanky guys and gals, you all are great.
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