My 9 year old cousin (Drake) is currently living with my husband and I. His Mother (she’s my cousin to) is back in rehab for her crack cocaine addiction she was court ordered to give Drake up. His Father was shot and killed 4 years ago. The only other option was he either came to live with me or he went into foster care and I didn’t want him to go into foster care so I took him in. I’m only 24 years old and my husband is 29. No one else in my family would take my cousin because he’s known to get out of hand at times and to be honest, I really don’t think they care what happens to him.
I need some advice on a couple of things…. Every night before bed I get all of Drakes stuff together for school the next day. I put $4.00 in an envelope in his backpack for lunch. I leave at 5 am during the week for work and my husband puts Drake on the bus. I was doing laundry last night and I found $85 in Drakes pants. I asked him where he got the money from and he said his friend told him he could have it. I didn’t say anything else and when he went to bed I asked my husband what he thought about it and he said that he gives Drake $5.00 everyday for lunch because Drake asks him for lunch money. I told my husband that I already give him money. I’m assuming that this is the money he’s been making off of my husband so I took it. I have not spent it but I’m not going to give it back to him due to the fact that he’s been lying about needing money. I have also decided to start making him lunches so he doesn’t need money during the day. This is not the first time he has lied to us. He stole some of my fake jewelry about a month ago and sold it to another kid at the park. I got it back but he lied about the whole thing.
I received a phone call at work today and Drake allegedly touched a girls private area while playing and then proceeded to punch her in the face when she wouldn’t play along. He’s being suspended for 10 days starting tomorrow. I spoke to the school psychologist and he said Drake needs counseling for everything he’s been through. I agree but we already tried going to counseling and he was literally mute at every visit. How on earth do I handle this? Where do I go? Who do I talk to?
Thank you in advance for any advice.
#1 by kεlsεy tεh αthεαtσr™ on May 11, 2010 - 2:06 am
Continue with the counseling, and maybe see if leaving him alone with the counselor works better. Maybe he’s just not willing to talk with you being there.
#2 by Pope Bean I on May 11, 2010 - 2:11 am
Your cousin’s son is your cousin? Where do you live, Kentucky?
#3 by Sadrek on May 11, 2010 - 2:42 am
I am sorry, I have hard time to read big paragraphs. Be Concise.
#4 by Metal K on May 11, 2010 - 2:50 am
this has to be handled by a certified counseler its the only way
and yes he might be mute for awhiel but eventaully he’ll talk.
#5 by Frankie M on May 11, 2010 - 3:49 am
You seem to be doing well in this really difficult situation. Drake needs counseling and maybe you do too. The stress could just eat you up. Most states have services available to people in your situation. Don’t give up. The bad will pass.
#6 by alyssa on May 11, 2010 - 4:26 am
Pray for him, and your family.
Love him unconditionally.
Don’t be angry with him!
To be a little stern is one thing, but he’s expecting to be yelled at.
He’s expecting the world to be against him.
Love him, be patient and kind with him, and teach him about God. Give him a Bible, and he may not read it. But it’s worth a shot.
I can’t stress to you enough: Be patient with him, and love him. He’ll behave when he knows you’re not against him.
#7 by killerpotato6 on May 11, 2010 - 4:45 am
touch him back.
#8 by anonymous person on May 11, 2010 - 4:46 am
i will pray for him. and yes, he does need counseling.
#9 by SiriusB on May 11, 2010 - 5:01 am
Take him to a priest. There he’ll get some expert advice on the best way to molest young girls.
#10 by CdnMamaTo2Girls on May 11, 2010 - 5:57 am
He needs to go to counceling (on his own) even though he doesn’t talk. Eventually he will open up to the psychologist after he learns he can trust him/her. I was seeing one when I was 16 and didn’t talk much for the first 5 or 6 sessions but eventually opened up.
#11 by jake on May 11, 2010 - 6:34 am
take him out of school and put him on the factory line.
#12 by ballon on May 11, 2010 - 6:57 am
Drake needs to see a therapist immediately. For him to even think up the idea of how to swindle this money is very unusual for his young age. If he is trying to touch girls and he understands what he is doing, he was probably molested you should send him to get help fast.
#13 by arewethereyet on May 11, 2010 - 7:08 am
One piece of advice is that you and your husband need to get on the same page if you are going to raise this child. Unfortunately for you, you didn’t get to raise him from the beginning and learn how kids can play one parent off the other lol. He played you two big time.
This is a child that needs solid rules with complete enforcement along with tons of love. He needs pretty much constant supervision. You need to find someone who can handle him from the time school lets out until you come home.
He’s got some bad habits, but he’s not too old to change. Get all the advice you can and get some parental counseling for yourself and hubby as well.
#14 by Laptop Jesus Second Coming ~P3D~ on May 11, 2010 - 7:47 am
Drake needs counselling. You’ve tried it with one counsellor, but that one didn’t work well. I understand. Try a different counsellor. Try until you find one that clicks.
You’ll also need to get Drake on board with the counselling thing. Talk to him like a grown up and explain that he absolutely needs to participate and talk in counselling sessions. Try a kind of “carrot and stick” approach. If he makes an honest effort in counselling sessions he can earn a prize of some kind. Perhaps painting his room after 4 sessions in which the counsellor says he really tried. That will make him feel more comfortable and feel like he belongs a little better.
#15 by orchidmg on May 11, 2010 - 7:58 am
I suggest that you don’t stop the counseling. One day he will talk. My son is 14 and lies and stole twice and has been in counseling for 6 months. Just this past week he spoke somewhat. I’m having him go so he can listen to the other adult because I know some of my words go in one ear and out the other. So don’t stop that. Even if he doesn’t talk, he might be listening.
You could get 1 or 2 board games that are about stress and anger management, peer pressures, active listening, etc. They are board games like Sorry, Trivial Pursuit, Monopoly but the cards asked specific questions and you need to answer to move on.
The only time my son will talk openly is when we are in the car. He will open up about some thought or feeling when we drive. Or out to dinner.
Maybe you can reward him with a special dinner or small toy if he talks to you for 10 minutes. Or give him a journal to write in. I am a strong believer in writing or talking to help with emotions and thoughts.
Ask a therapist or doctor about games for anger management, stress relievers, etc. Or even get a few movies about kids and moral lessons. He has a lot on his shoulders and isn’t at an age where he can process it healthily and say right words to express himself. He probably has anger, frustration and sadness in him. No happiness, joy, postivity. You and your husband love him enough to take him in to your lives and want the best for him. Please don’t give up!!!!
Good luck!! and God bless!!
#16 by ryunyo on May 11, 2010 - 8:25 am
I tried some dishonest things when I was a kid, but got over them. My son ditto. Keep loving him and recognizing and rewarding all the honest things he does, and he will probably grow out of it. You might have to use some punishment, but concentrate on rewarding the good actions. Talk to a child psychologist, preferably behavioral, about how to do this. If it doesn’t work, reconsider foster care.
#17 by mr.indecisive09 on May 11, 2010 - 9:00 am
You haven’t said but are you a Christian? I ask this because my advice is from a Christian perspective.
I think Drake has gotten his behavior from all the negative people that he’s grown up around. Please don’t give up on counseling, they can help but it’ll probably take time. As a former addict with children I’m sure he’s been told to never talk to anyone about what goes on at home(what happens here,stays here) But he will eventually open up when he trusts his counselor.
But most importantly take him to church. While it’s true that going to church doesn’t save you (only Jesus Christ does that) it’ll get him around a more positive influence where he can be nurtured and feel he is really part of something. Not that you aren’t trying your best to make him feel that way, you will have others that can help also. And it will be a great way get involved in something together.
#18 by Melissa on May 11, 2010 - 9:24 am
He needs you to care for him and love him he has been through a lot,he doesn’t know how to act,you should keep trying the counseling and have talks of your own with him too,take him to church read the bible to him pray for him and pray over him,he needs a good example in his life he has been taught wrong it will not be easy,but someone needs to help him,he can change,you will have to be strict on him,but you will need to have talks with him,his behavior is going to be hard to turn around,I really don’t know what else could be done,but make sure and spend some time with him when you can.
#19 by promethius9594 on May 11, 2010 - 9:39 am
1) certified counselor. I suggest a child psychologist and not a psychotherapist (they don’t necessarily have to have any qualifications).
2) Don’t give him money for lunch. 9 year olds aren’t responsible enough to purchase their own lunches. Most schools sell a “meal plan” for just this reason… because 9 year olds don’t get to pick and choose their foods. If there isn’t a meal plan you can put him on, then yes, make his lunches.
3) keep the $85. He gained it dishonestly and it isn’t his. Tell him why you’re keeping it.
4) Punish. The first developemental stage of moral decision making is the fear of punishment. This will eventually progress to the desire for reward, which progresses to the desire for positive self image, and finally to intrinsic moral choice, but the bottom line is this: it starts with the fear of punishment. Don’t be afraid to look up spanking laws for your state. Don’t be afraid to take away his priviledges and free time either. Keep him busy with chores and activities (idle hands really ARE the devil’s playground).
5) be authority. Remember, you may not be his parent, but you ARE his guardian. That job doesn’t always entail friendship… there are going to be times he’s not going to like your decisions. That’s OKAY. Children aren’t “little adults”, as many people think of them… they literally NEED guidance as part of their developemental process. Try using more L1 style of leadership: use directive speech rather than passive (so instead of “honey, would you please help clean the dishes?” say “Name, come into the kitchen, we’re going to clean the dishes”). When he acts out inappropriately, IMMEDIATELY levy a fair and judicial punishment… don’t delay, the timing lets him associate the act with the punishment. Don’t vary the punishment either. make it fair and consistent with elevation for repeated offenses. Even a strict system (which it sounds like he needs) is very livable if expectations are fair and consistant
#20 by PreacherofLight on May 11, 2010 - 9:53 am
Sounds like he is testing the limits. Tough love may be in order. It’s hard to say though because you do not say he is a household member. You say no one else wants him and that you feel you and hubbie are too young. He more than likely gets those vibs. You make it clear here he is a problem, and you are right. He may feel somewhere in him that he needs to be strong. Strong to him may mean being able to handle you, and build an empire of protection that relys on himself, the only one he can count on not to abandon him. I would feel like that. Trust me, no one else, and tell them what they want to hear. This is how we often react to crushing situations.
#21 by Candys mom on May 11, 2010 - 10:13 am
what a very difficult situation. Keep taking him to counseling. If he’s not connecting with the therapist find another and I agree with the other poster about leaving him alone with the counselor, he may not want to be vulnerable in front of his “mother” figure. He hasn’t had real good experiences with that and has serious trust issues. The things he is doing are things he learned by watching his mother. Plus he has had to count on only himself for protection and survival. I have seen many children come through the counseling center where I used to volunteer in very similar situations. one of the things we recommend is to find meetings for families of drug addicts (using alanon or narc-anon) ask your therapist for a list or at least a number. Start attending the meetings and meeting other family members that are going through the same stuff. Some of them even have meeting for younger children to help them understand what’s happening and see some of the “bad” stuff they learned. Seek support and you’ll find that the burden is shared by others.
Please feel free to email me for further info.
Your in my prayers.
#22 by Samuel on May 11, 2010 - 10:48 am
I think the biggest thing for Drake right now is going to be the love that you and your husband can give him. Thus far in his life, it sounds like he may have not had very much love given to him, by the most important people who any child expects love from. This is a huge discouragement for him. So, first off, continue to show love to him.
Second, be a good example. The start of all good things is in the home. He is going to learn how to live his life, from the home. If his home is with you guys, than he is going to live in whatever way that you teach him to. He is going to look at how you and your husband interact with each other. He will look at how your husband loves and respects you, and how you love and respect your husband. He will also look at how you both solve arguments, or prevent high emotional fights.
Thirdly, be stern. He is going to feel guilty if you always show love, but no discipline. He will know he doesn’t deserve it that way. Any child feels rejected when they are not disciplined. Make him pay (gently) for things that he does wrong. You can take away privileges that he has, when he does something wrong. Make sure you always discipline out of love. It will be received with that understanding, if that is how it is given.
Remember though to give him privileges when he does right. We understand this concept as positive reinforcement, and we most often throw the whole idea out the window, but it is much too important to overlook.
Finally, pray for him. Pray for yourself to have strength and ability, and for him to respond correctly to your love and discipline. This is the most essential step. It’s impossible to do the above, and have it last, without prayer.
Jesus wants to help you and your family in your situation. I encourage you to let him. The first thing he wants is for you guys to have a right relationship with himself. This is the key to everything. Everything good begins with us having a right relationship with God. A good home, good marriage and family, and good life. Please watch my video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PLWCAXWx7ig
Also, feel free to contact me.
Sam
#23 by Architect on May 11, 2010 - 11:18 am
Well , you need to form some sort of connection with the kid , he is only 9 and suffered what others can’t suffer without going nuts . You must know that he is not only emotional but also expressing his feelings in an Aggressive way – discipline at the beginning can be really helpful for both you (and your husband) and the kid and I can see you already started by cancelling his Lunch-money and taking matters in your hands (good step) but try to remember that harsh or irrational discipline can cause a rebellious behaviour (you don’t want that) .
Try to Create a mother-son relation with him , he no longer trust or believe anyone can help him out of his misery , You should do it if you want to gain his heart . Get him off his previous life memories , talk it through with him even if he is mute at the beginning , you can tease him by bringing up a more exciting subjects (subjects that he Loves) or doing activities together (Also that he Loves) , this will make him more willing to share his emotions with you (no one but You , if he can love you , he can trust you) .
That would be the first step towards creating a barrier in his mind , a barrier where he keeps miserable memories behind . No need to mention that obtaining this kind of Trust is very rewarding , you need tons of patience to reach the first step only – Won’t be easy !
Now , that you’ve created the trust bond (cross fingers) you can easily discover his emotions and find out why does he (lie , steal , cheat …etc) , again that won’t be easy to identify – i.e. he won’t say “I lie because I hate dad or mum” then you try to remove the hatred . No , it won’t be easy because he himself doesn’t know why he is doing this , it is your role to Both bring up his true emotions And identify which one is the source of his misbehaviour . It might take a long time depending on how willing he is to talk (depends on the trust between you) and how good are you at bringing up his emotions .
There are many other steps after this but I think I already bored you to death , if you wanted me to edit adding more details , please say so .
I know you are a great person , I sincerely Respect you – not all people accept orphans in their families but you did , I know you are better than most of the people , I am sure you are a caring and lovely (24 years old ? Wow) -er- cousin = )
Be patient and e-mail me if you need to talk to someone .
Peace.
p.s. I don’t know if this concerns you or not , but did you know that in Islam (my religion) , people who take care of orphans are highly (really high) rewarded ? The prophet Muhammed -SAW- once said that he and the orphan adopter are like “This” in heavens (he pointed out his index and middle finger) i.e. very close .
Peace again = )