My aunt’s boyfriend recently took his ex to court for sole custody of their 7 year old son. This woman has had no contact with the boy for over 5 years, he knows my aunt as mommy and wouldn’t know who his biological mother was if he ever saw her. My aunt and her boyfriend wanted to protect their son from his egg donor because she, in the last couple years, has been in and out of rehab and has been arrested several times. She became interested in knowing Derek only because she lost custody of two of her other sons to their fathers (she has five sons with four different men). Derek only knows one of his brothers, his older brother and every few months gets to see him. Because of this Derek is not clueless, he knows Joshua is his brother and that they have different fathers but my aunt is the only mother he knows. In court the egg donor continuously lied to the judge and gave out of service phone numbers in the court documents so she was denied visitation but ordered to pay $40 a week in child support – she claims she can’t afford that and has no begun talking about terminating her rights so she doesn’t have to pay. The court appointed Derek his own attorney even though he has no idea what’s going on. This lawyer told Derek my aunt wasn’t his “real” mom and that he was never in her belly. She also informed my aunt and her boyfriend it “must be” confusing to him to have an older brother – she said this because Derek told her about his older brother and said his brother lives with his father but couldn’t remember the name of his brother’s father. I think this woman had no right to tell Derek my aunt wasn’t his mother when its likely that soon his egg donor will be completely out of the picture for good. My aunt and her boyfriend obviously have no intention to lie to him if he asks about his biological mother but at this point they did not want to confuse him. My aunt wants to do something, such as inform the court that this woman was wrong but doesn’t know how to go about it.
In your opinion should my family be upset? And does my aunt and her boyfriend have any grounds to complain about this woman? If so, who would they contact?
#1 by Hawkeye on May 8, 2010 - 7:33 pm
I feel for you. Family Courts are brutal places… and in many instances (in the state where I work) the child is never allowed in the Courtroom because many things can be said that the child might misinterpret or might scar the child’s psyche.
In your case, your aunt’s husband did what he needed to do to gain sole custody and at least minimal child support. While his ex may terminate parental rights…. she also may not and if she cleans up her act she may gain minimal visitation in the future.
Regarding what the attorney told Derek… you have to understand that there are no easy ways of explaining these concepts to little kids. What the attorney told Derek was the truth… and there is never any liability in Court for telling the truth. The attorney might have used a little more tact… and the fact that she didn’t justifies your being upset. That said though, the attorney was appointed to represent Derek and fight for HIS best interests. She HAD to be objective and she HAD to figure out what aspects of this scenario he understands. That requires some really tough questions and answers for a little boy. In my opinion it should not have gone like it did, but the court appointed attorney was doing her job…. and it’s a very hard job. The family started this ball rolling and the case was ALL about Derek. That doesn’t leave a lot of room to question how this person does their job.
You could complain to the attorney’s supervisor… but don’t expect any consequence to that attorney.
I know that’s not what you wanted to hear… but the legal field requires toughness from all involved…. and unfortunately sometimes it is kids who are involved.
#2 by Amber on May 8, 2010 - 7:56 pm
Sometimes the help line ppl can be really not helpful. I have numerous friends online, infact they’re among my closest friends. Something happened with one of them and I became totally disconnected from my body. I called a help line, and they told me the online friends meant nothing, b/c they weren’t real friendships.
I’m sure the lawyer meant well, and was appointed for the best interests of the child. a 7 yr old can’t be expected to remember every member of the family by name (heck, i’m 26, and still can’t put faces and names together)
if you wish to complain, i would take it up with her supervisor, if nothing else than to make it be known so that should the situation come up again, she’ll be more knowledgeable about things to say and not to say.
yes, the egg donor is the biological mom, one who hasn’t played much a part of the boy’s life, and will probably leave it for good shortly. however, it also appears that your aunt and her bf had a very good relationship where the boy, even at a young age understood a very complex issue, and are upfront and honest.
there are many instances also when a child can be psychologically hurt when told the one they believe and see as a parent, they are told aren’t so.
there are things that make a good parent, and it has nothing to do with blood. it’s about love, and even as the boy grows up, he’ll understand.
(btw, kudos for the fathers standing up to take in their children and raise and care for them, esp when the mother can’t or won’t.)