My aunt’s boyfriend recently took his ex to court for sole custody of their 7 year old son. This woman has had no contact with the boy for over 5 years, he knows my aunt as mommy and wouldn’t know who his biological mother was if he ever saw her. My aunt and her boyfriend wanted to protect their son from his egg donor because she, in the last couple years, has been in and out of rehab and has been arrested several times. She became interested in knowing Derek only because she lost custody of two of her other sons to their fathers (she has five sons with four different men). Derek only knows one of his brothers, his older brother and every few months gets to see him. Because of this Derek is not clueless, he knows Joshua is his brother and that they have different fathers but my aunt is the only mother he knows. In court the egg donor continuously lied to the judge and gave out of service phone numbers in the court documents so she was denied visitation but ordered to pay $40 a week in child support – she claims she can’t afford that and has no begun talking about terminating her rights so she doesn’t have to pay. The court appointed Derek his own attorney even though he has no idea what’s going on. This lawyer told Derek my aunt wasn’t his “real” mom and that he was never in her belly. She also informed my aunt and her boyfriend it “must be” confusing to him to have an older brother – she said this because Derek told her about his older brother and said his brother lives with his father but couldn’t remember the name of his brother’s father. I think this woman had no right to tell Derek my aunt wasn’t his mother when its likely that soon his egg donor will be completely out of the picture for good. My aunt and her boyfriend obviously have no intention to lie to him if he asks about his biological mother but at this point they did not want to confuse him. My aunt wants to do something, such as inform the court that this woman was wrong but doesn’t know how to go about it.
In your opinion should my family be upset about what this woman told my cousin?
While I do appreciate all of your opinions I have to make it clear that one person in particular obviously did not read clearly. My aunt and her boyfriend never kept the truth from Derek about his biological mother. She came around once in awhile when he was young but never made an effort in the last five years to contact him. My aunt never told Derek she was his biological mother, in fact when he was little they tried getting him to call her by her name but he refused to call her anything but “mommy”. Derek is not completely clueless as some of you pointed out he knows he has brothers and obviously my aunt and even his father is not the parent of any of his brothers. As far as my aunt not being involved at all in this court system she had more rights than his egg donor because she’s been supporting him most of his life and he lives in her house. For example if she and his father split up my aunt could go to court and be given visitation b/c its the best interest of the child.
#1 by b_a_r DUE 4/22/09 w/#2 on May 8, 2010 - 1:30 pm
That was very wrong of the attorney to tell the child. The attorney should have made contact with your aunts boyfriend and discussed the matter with him first. If they are unhappy about the representation their attorney is giving them they need to make a complaint to the judge that appointed the attorney.
#2 by stargazer on May 8, 2010 - 2:11 pm
If both your aunt and her boyfriend were offended by this, they should say so to the person that made the offensive remark and put in clear terms the relationship they’ve had with the boy, so that the attorney is clear about the boy’s history and family and is also clear with how he feels about it.
One thing I wonder though, is your Aunt the boy’s legal mother? Did she adopt him, even though she’s not married (presumably) to the boy’s father?
Sadly, while she may be the only mother the boy has ever really known, if she hasn’t adopted him and isn’t the father’s wife, in the eyes of the court, she doesn’t have much standing in connection to the child. One can only hope the court recognizes the influence and presence she has with him, and even the mother-son connection they’ve established, but often times, with no legal connection, they’ll see her as nothing more than “the girlfriend”; and because there is no official connection, she could be out of the picture at any time. Because of this, some people may not give her the respect she’s owed as the only mother he’s ever known.
#3 by Laine on May 8, 2010 - 2:28 pm
I would say no she didn’t. While it may have felt like a slap to your aunt, it may have been seen as necessary by the attorney. If the mother is terminating her rights then the child should be informed as well (he might be thankful when he is older). Most people,while trying to protect their children, don’t give the child enough credit about their level of understanding. A 7 year is an intelligent creature and he probably understands at least a basic level of what is going on. If he knows he has a brother with the same mother(who isn’t your aunt) then he knows your aunt isn’t his biological mother. Take a deep breath and assume the attorney is acting in the best interest of the child; most likely she wasn’t trying to offend anyone, but rather help Derek understand what was going on.
Hope this helps.
#4 by Stormy S on May 8, 2010 - 2:51 pm
No it wasn’t wrong. the Attorney was telling the child the truth. Something obviously no one else has bothered to tell him. A child NEEDS to know the truth of their birth. The reason he is confused is because his father was not honest with him by telling him the truth about his mother. The child’s father is not doing the child any favors by not letting him know the truth from the very beginning. He doesn’t have to paint an “ugly” picture of the child’s mother, all he needs to say is that the bio mother is not in a position to take care of him which is why he is living with father and father’s girlfriend. Actually your aunt is the one overstepping HER boundaries since she is NOT married to the child’s father she should not be involved at all. This is also probably confusing the child.