I’m separated and soon to be divorced. We decided to do the share care arrangement and the boys seem to like this. Their father suffers from alcoholism yet refuses to admit this to himself. He abused me verbally, physically and sexually during our loveless marriage and he shows no remorse. I have forgiven him and he has never physically abused the children. They seem to think its funny when he is drunk. My youngest suffers from torn loyalties and has told me he would rather just live with me and my new partner but says it’s not fair on Dad. Dad tends to use the children to get at me. He palms them off to babysitters every chance he gets. I would like to take him to court and fight for custody but feel that this would upset the children even more. I currently have a protection order out against him which protects me and my partner. He also is a compulsive liar. The children believe his lies and receive conflicting advice regarding morals and what’s right and wrong.
#1 by lostn.confused on May 5, 2010 - 12:08 am
DEFINITELY!!!!!! coming from divorced parents i had to deal with them always fighting over ownership i recently switched ownership to my dad as i was living with my mom for 16 years i didn’t see my dad much and i didn’t have a father figure Its is VERY important to have both your parents in your life and NOT see them fighting try to be nice and sincere around your kids or it will effect them dramatically…
my advise on court is that do it peacefully it will bring your kids into it dont make them go thu that
My mom was alcholocich and was not good with me and my borther while drinking HELP HIM even if it is your ex he needs it he WILL regret it if he loses his children.. help him with his aclohoism.. with his lieing tell him that its effecting the kids and its not helping b/c you want your kids to have you and him in their lives or they will always want it …. might lead to bad relationships later on… he needs help with his life tell someone and get him help
#2 by Peter Pan Peanut Butter Alert! on May 5, 2010 - 12:17 am
I think you should let your kids see him. I know that’s tough but your kids will realise when they are older what a loser their dad is. I know that is harsh but at least they can never throw it in your face that you do not allow them to see their dad. he has not done anything to the children
#3 by Bobby Joe Harris on May 5, 2010 - 12:31 am
i don’t think he deserves your children, i say you fight for custody because your husband may eventually abusing your kids, maybe not now but later. And he is not a good role model.
#4 by ncaachamp on May 5, 2010 - 1:25 am
Might as well go to court. It may hurt the kids more now, but it sounds like they will be better off in the long run. Besides, maybe it’ll be the wake up call your ex needs to realize that he has a problem and get help. Maybe he’ll turn into a better father down the road.
#5 by allie on May 5, 2010 - 2:17 am
Youe ex doesnt seem to be a fit parent at all. I dont think you are being unfair, you are just looking out for your childrens welfare!!! Involve social services ASAP, let them gain some evidence. Most importantly, dont let him manipulate you or the children. I would suggest SUPERVISED visits for yor children, because abusers generally dont just “stop”. Your not around, what if he directs that b.s. at your kids? No way. Your being a good mother. Seek legal council ASAP as well. Colleges will do it for a fraction of the cost with law students, and your fighting a good battle, so people will want to help. Good luck, but I think you’ll need more than that.
#6 by AJ on May 5, 2010 - 2:27 am
No it isn’t fair. But that’s the way it is. An attorney once told me that the courts believe “any father is better than no father, even a shi**y father”. I didn’t believe her. Then I went through the family court system. She was right.
You will have to spend the next couple of decades keeping your fingers crossed.
#7 by Yvonne B on May 5, 2010 - 2:57 am
him being drunk is not setting a good example, and as for his morals i think the kids should visit a school counsellor so that they don’t grow up to become jail birds
#8 by chrissy on May 5, 2010 - 3:46 am
I think that you should take him to court and have him loose some of his visitation rights. If he was abusive to you doesn’t mean that he will be abusive to your children, but you need to protect them in case he does become abusive. Don’t Isolate him completely from there lives just have it more monitored and when they are older they will be able to make the decision on how often to see him.
- When kids are young there so impressionable you don’t want them thinking that the kind of behavior he shows in acceptable for a father.
#9 by RockyMountainGirl on May 5, 2010 - 4:10 am
He sure doesn’t seem healthy enough to have 1/2 care.
This will do some real serious damage to your children and your own sanity. He needs help and doesn’t deserve to have them until he helps himself.
#10 by keypointist on May 5, 2010 - 4:28 am
Yes I think it’s fair that he spends equal time with his children. His relationship with his children is important to him and to them. My view is that equal rights for fathers will in the long run encourage women to make better choices of who gets to father their kids so I’m all for it.
#11 by master on May 5, 2010 - 4:46 am
yes you can take him back to court yes the kids may be mad but in the long run they will tank you
#12 by Scouser on May 5, 2010 - 5:38 am
Do what you think is right, personally i wouldn’t let someone like that withing a mile of my children ( If i had any ). He doesn’t seem like a nice person at all and i think not allowing him near your children is the right thing to do. They may be upset but in the future they will thank you for what you did.
#13 by jenjen on May 5, 2010 - 6:27 am
Yes it may hurt the kids but the long term affects of your children being around his alcoholism, and lies are obviously at whatever age they are apparent to them now. And him pawning off the children to the babysitter every chance he gets just shows that he is selfish at that. maybe for the time being you should get full custody. it might just be the one thing that may change him. and the one thing that will keep your kids from being around someone who has apparent issues he needs to deal with. Just because he hasn’t harmed the children physically yet doesn’t mean he wont. hypothetically if you did give him joint custody and he got physical with the kids those effects would be so much worse then telling him he needs help before he can be around them. he obviously didn’t think about these things when he was abusing you then so don’t let him get away with not dealing with his problems. just know you may be saving your kids rather than hurting them for the time being. if he gets help then, think about joint custody.
#14 by bin there dun that on May 5, 2010 - 6:55 am
At some point in their lives your children will make a decision where they are going to live, with you or with your spouse. Then shortly after that they will move out on their own. Although this time will seem like it is forever, it really is a short period of time in the grand scheme of things. You will have no difficulty getting custody if your spouse messes up. Make sure your children have an emergency number and a way to contact you when they are with their dad. And make a written agreement with your ex that the children can choose whether they want to go to visit or not. Those guilt trips might work for awhile, but the more disgusted your kids get with your ex’s reality, the more they will want to stay at home with you. No matter who says what, your kids will develop their own minds and make their own choices. And even though they might hate what their dad does, they may still learn to love him. It will be easier for you to keep your ears and your heart open to your kids than to try to protect them from what you (with good reason) hate and fear.
#15 by smartyness on May 5, 2010 - 7:52 am
Stop it! Your boys have a good loving relationship with thier dad, let it be! They have a right to have a father. He cant be that bad…… you chose him for thier father….
#16 by Peter M on May 5, 2010 - 8:47 am
Hi. I’m a dad fighting for access to my children against frivolous ‘concerns’. I believe all children have the right to equal time with good dad’s.
However, from your post it sounds like you need to take action for the childrens sake. Reducing the time your ex sees the children may even help sober him up. Most people drink from time to time but what you describe is vastly different. When he is drunk he is in no condition to look after the children either physically or mentally.