I was arrested in February while still married. Our divorce is now done, and we have joint physical custody. I have entered an out-patient treatment program for alcoholism. My kids have never seen me drink in excess, and rarely saw me drink at all. Yet I admit I am an alcoholic, and my wife is addicted to prescription drugs (she’s still in denial). How much do I tell my kids when they jail me for 2-7 days (probably) and I lose my license for a year? I want to give them the truth, but how much? And should I tell them this week before court? Neither my ex nor my kids even know about the arrest or treatment yet. I am committed to quiting. What and how much do I say?
#1 by aerocentral01 on April 26, 2010 - 11:32 pm
Tell them the truth, if they’re old enough. Then tell them to learn from your example, and then set a good one.
#2 by Bryan M on April 27, 2010 - 12:32 am
Be honest and tell them that you screwed up. They are your kids and they deserve to know the truth. You need to be honest with them, if your honest and truthful to your sons they will respect you for it.
#3 by salsadiva on April 27, 2010 - 12:42 am
I think it would be a good lesson for you kids to learn that there are consequences to their actions; now they know what would happen if they drink and drive.
#4 by dad on April 27, 2010 - 1:09 am
Tell them everything . I think your doing great telling us why not the kids .
#5 by sweetcaroline on April 27, 2010 - 1:38 am
Be open with them and allow them to ask questions. Try to make it as painless as possible for your teenage sons, but try your best to explain what happens to us when we choose to drink and drive. In Texas you would not want the punishment they give you here. Hopefully, you have learned a good lesson and this will also help your sons. Don’t wait to spring it on them, tell them as soon as possible.
#6 by yaktur on April 27, 2010 - 2:24 am
Tell them that you are a human being and you have made a mistake.
Tell them that you are going to correct it, you will do the right thing, you are paying for your mistake by doing ____________ (fill in the blank) and you want your kids to learn from your mistakes.
#7 by john s on April 27, 2010 - 3:03 am
Tell them the truth. IF you REALLY dont want them to know the truth for any reason, tell them you are heading off and sleeping out of town for your court trial. Then you come back from your sentence as if you got back from it. Knowing your father was in prison isnt easy for alot of children
#8 by hexeliebe on April 27, 2010 - 3:27 am
You tell them the truth. And you show them you are willing to pay the price to get better. Otherwise, you sentence them to a fate worse than you will ever know…life without a father, even when he’s there.
I am an alcoholic. Sober for 30 years. It was ONLY because I was forced to face who I wanted to become that I was able to quit. And you will face the same thing each and every time you look into their faces.
Now I’m addicted to Welch’s Grape Soda and life is clear and with purpose.
#9 by krishnan k on April 27, 2010 - 3:50 am
don, tell about it
#10 by TERI Sexton on April 27, 2010 - 4:17 am
I wouldn’t tell them until after the trial. Once you are clean and have shown you can beat alcohol, you should have a talk with them about drinking and how it can change your life for the negative. That would be a good time to share about the DUI and how you had to enter a program and were jailed for 2-7 days and now don’t have a license. Warn them that alcoholism runs in families and that you are sharing this with them because you don’t want them to fall into the same trap. Don’t tell them their mom uses prescription drugs, it will only seem like you are justifying your own actions.
Good luck.
#11 by ideally_rational on April 27, 2010 - 4:27 am
If you want to win over the hearts and minds of your teenage sons, then you are going to confess what has happened, with remorse and shame. That may sound rough in words, but think back to when you were a teenager and your parents wouldn’t acknowledge the imperfections in themselves and your family. Remember when that alone made you think that adults were fools and teens were the smart and honest ones?
Tell them the facts, tell them how you are going to change and fix the problem, and let them see for themselves what it is like to lose driving priviledges. Your sons might just decide not to drink themselves with their buddies next week in somebody’s car. You have a unique opportunity to both show them by bad example that there are consequences in life, and then show them how a person shapes up and cleans up their act.
Also ask them after you’ve told your story if they have any questions. Don’t make jokes about getting caught, or immature talk like that. Please set a good example, your kids lives could depend on it.
#12 by daj11551 on April 27, 2010 - 4:45 am
Tell them you made a mistake and by doing so, there are consequences that have to be paid by you. Tell them you will learn from this and you hope they never have to go through what you are going through. Good luck.
#13 by kny390 on April 27, 2010 - 5:00 am
Tell them that you made a mistake and now have to pay the penalty for it. Explain that you will not be allowed to drive, but that doesn’t mean that you won’t be seeing them.
#14 by EDWARD H K on April 27, 2010 - 5:51 am
Absolutely come clean to your kids. And PROMISE you’ll go for treatment. You should already be in a program as the courts look favorably on the fact you are making an attempt to get clean. You’ll probably get probation rather than jail and the court will put you in a work program.
Good luck
#15 by John Chalinder Montana USA on April 27, 2010 - 6:05 am
Tell them the truth, the whole truth. Anything less and you’re not convincing them that you’re serious about it; that you’re in denial or trying to hide something from them. Either way, you come across as insincere. The brutal, honest truth is always better than a lie (and hiding anything is equal to a lie). The lie will trip you up in a heartbeat. Ask yourself this: If you were on the other side of this situation, how would you want your loved one to handle it? You have a long road ahead of you.
#16 by michelebaruch@yahoo.com on April 27, 2010 - 6:47 am
Tell them, period. Your kids know your an alcoholic even if you think they don’t. They not only will respect you more for telling them up front, but they will learn from your mistakes.
#17 by TamTam on April 27, 2010 - 7:24 am
You should tell them when and why you started drinking, how it effected your life (including jail time) and how you are committed to getting your life straigtened out. Let them know that you love them and are working really hard to be the paret that they believe you to be. Keep them updated on your progress.
#18 by Caitlin T on April 27, 2010 - 7:32 am
They are your kids. They love you, they will understand. Flip the situation and think of it this way, what if this happend to your kids. Do you think you would want to know the full complete truth about what happend, or do you want just a little bit? They might be a little upset about it at first, but in the end, they will be happy to know that you have a honest relationship.
#19 by criolla80 on April 27, 2010 - 7:56 am
Just fess up.
Let them know that you made a mistake and now you have to face the consequences. This will definitely be a learning experience for them.
You are a good father by taking the initiative to be truthful to your kids. Good luck.
#20 by nobodyspecial on April 27, 2010 - 8:06 am
I am sorry that you will be going through this ordeal. I know that this is probably a scary thought for you , the thought of going to jail. I am no psyciatrist, and would never want to be. But let me share with you this thought. I was a single mom for a long time and I discovered that all the things I tried to keep from my little girl, she already knew. So many years ago ((when she was still young ) I shared with her good times and bad times. I have never regretted it although everyone advised me that secrets were good for her. I have tried to turn my mistakes into something positive. I have tried to show her that life is never going to be perfect. We will make mistakes in life, but it is HOW you use these mistakes that changes your life. I would be careful what I said about my situation but I would handle it something like this, so that your mistake may help them not make the same mistake in thier lives. I would say something like this.
” I want you to know that I have done something I should not have. When you do something wrong I have to help you learn not to do it again ( re-inforce however YOU punish bad behaviour). Say, when we get older, and we do something wrong, we are like children, so we have to be shown a reason not to do it again. I have to be punished for my bad descisions and so I will be away for a few days… I love you and I will be thinking about you, and as soon as I can we willl be back together. ”
In doing this you will be instilling the fact that even as you get older you have rules you have to follow, and when you don’t you get into trouble. Tell them that as they get older they will want to do things that are FUN, but might not be GOOD for them. This bad experience can be turned into a positive way for you to teach your children a lesson about life.
Know that what I might do to handle a situtation, may NOT be right for you. But you wanted an opinion and I am offering you mine. Think about how you want to handle this situation and you’ll make the choice that is right for you.
My best to you, in your time of confussion, you will be in my thoughts.
#21 by Peaches on April 27, 2010 - 8:24 am
It is important to be honest with your kids, admit you made a mistake, tell them you are getting help. But make sure you committ to changing and getting help.
you must lead by example.
#22 by fin73 on April 27, 2010 - 8:32 am
Tell them the truth. Let them know you have a drinking problem and are trying to recover.
I have been sober for six months never thought I would be able to pull it off. Now it don’t bother me at all.
I will admit the first three months were the worst hell of my life!
#23 by Michelle R on April 27, 2010 - 9:16 am
Your best to tell them the truth. Then get your self in AA and straighten yourself out. Let them see we can make mistakes, and fix them. Let this be a learning experience for them….
I have an alcoholic father. I’m 36. I’ve not seen him in 9 years. I seen him about 6 months ago…and I told him it didn’t have to be this way (I won’t see him till he gets help) and he said What can I say I like my alcohol…PLEASE don’t choose the booze over your children!!!
#24 by WillFree on April 27, 2010 - 9:53 am
WOW. To start off with: do you really think they don’t know about your problem? I think they do. And since they are already in their teens, you should come clean and show them the difficulty and humiliation of your “bad” choices.
We all want to think that our kids are uninformed and ignorant to our shortcommings. I am certain they are not. They know a lot more about us and our problems as what we give them credit for. Especially after they get to about 11 or 12.
You should be a father and teach by example. Tell them what you are going through and explain to them the consequences of your deeds, but most importantly: Teach them that you take responsability for your actions.
#25 by Kim J on April 27, 2010 - 10:08 am
Good for you.
Be honest with your family, especially your children. They are teenagers and are the perfect age to tell them everything.
You may not be a great roll model because of the DUI, but you can be a great roll model of consequence. Follow through with the process of treatment and the DUI sentence, and show your children that when people make mistakes, they can pay for them with dignity, and can overcome them.
God Bless, you can do this!!
#26 by Colleen O on April 27, 2010 - 10:43 am
Tell them the entire truth about it. They’re teenagers they can handle it.
#27 by Mona Lisa on April 27, 2010 - 11:21 am
I’m a recovering alcoholic (AA, almost 9 years sober) so I’ll share what I did with my own 2 kids.
My children were 5 and 7 years old at the time I hit bottom and got sober. This involved me going to outpatient rehab and lots of AA meetings. I told them as much as they could understand about my situation, i.e. Mommy is sick and needs the meetings to get better. I told them I was an alcoholic and in AA. I never told them they should feel ashamed of me for this. So they never have.
As the kids got older I told them more and more. Now they are 14 and 16 and they know nearly everything. They watched me get sober and after I was stable in my sobriety they watched me sponsor other people and watched them get sober too. They’ve seen what alcoholism does to people and they know there’s help out there for those of us who need it.
They are proud of me and of what I’ve done with my life. Every year on my sobriety anniversary they go out and buy me a big ice cream cake and we celebrate.
So my suggestion to you is that you tell them what’s going on and follow through on that commitment to quit. I know that in treatment they will tell you to get to 90 meetings in 90 days and that’s a good place to start. Make sure you get a sponsor and follow his suggestions. And good luck. Believe me, I was a complete mess 9 years ago, and now I’m sober and very happy with my life. If I can do it, so can you.